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The Invisible Sh*t (whose name is fear) That Holds You Back

It’s funny how much stuff can affect you. I’ve talked (and written) about this incident a lot – a journal entry when it happened, an essay in college, a blog post now – but sometimes seemingly innocent things blindside you with their importance, and this experience clearly has become (for me) a bit of a meditation on the nature of fear and, darn it, if I’m not still learning from it. Here’s the latest I’ve come to understand:

My alma mater. Go Camels!

Many years ago I participated in an outward bound-type of outdoor orientation program before starting college — a sort of pre-orientation orientation (sponsored by the school) to my freshman year. You know the kind of trip – take a bunch of about-to-be college students, take away their watches (so they’re on “nature’s time”), pile them into a bus, drive them up to the woods (hmmm, this is actually starting to sound like the beginning of a horror movie, but it wasn’t like that, I swear), hike them into some remote location, teach them to build lean-tos (no tents for these overprivileged teenagers), and have them participate in a randomized selection of outdoor activities that are meant to foster self-confidence and bonding – activities like caving, and white-water canoeing, and rock-climbing. I LOVED IT. No kidding, the trip was amazing! I remember being excited and exhilarated, and, yes scared, but that fear manifested more as excitement and exhilaration than as fear. The thing is that with the rock climbing and the caving I definitely had those moments of “oh shit, I’m totally gonna die” and that was super scary but the feeling was very recognizable as fear. I could look at it and say, “Nope! That ain’t going to stop me! I am DOING THIS!” and, you know, I did it. I climbed the rock. I paddled the canoe. I plunged into (and emerged from) the cave.

(SIDEBAR – I should mention, if you’re anything like me, these particular caves were not the kind of caves you picture when you think “cave.”

Less “ooh look at this spacious cave we’re ‘exploring’…”

 

And more “Holy Crap, these are two enormous slabs of rock that have been here with this tiny space between them for, like, since the dawn of time, what if they choose right this exact second to shift?”

You know those wide open spaces where you stand around with a group and say, “ooh look – stalactites, stalagmites.” No, siree, Bob! This was more of a wedge-yourself-into-very-tight-spaces-between-two-enormous-prehistoric-slabs-of-rock-hope-you’re-not-claustrophobic-and-if-you-weren’t-going-in-you-will-be-coming-out-oh-and-by-the-way-it’s-freezing-wet-and-super-muddy-caving-with-a-capital-C-CAVING kinda thing.)

 

Yup, this…

 

But, I digress. In the end, whether caving or rock climbing, the fear was clearly, you know, FEAR, and so, it was (well, not exactly easy to disperse but) at least identifiable as fear and therefore face-able. But then came the high elements course and the fear I experienced during it was a whole different animal. It was invisible. It wasn’t identifiable as fear. It was more easily named indifference.

“What’s a high elements course,” you ask? Well it’s a sort of obstacle/ropes course, about 50 feet in the air, suspended from trees.

An example of a High Elements Course

This is that wire walk thing I was trying to describe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nowadays you’ve seen things like it on American Gladiators, and other shows of that ilk, but at the time I’d never even heard of such a thing, let alone been expected to participate in one. These courses can be constructed in different ways, but basically, it’s a series of challenges comprised of logs, ropes, and wires suspended in the air. This particular one had an incline log, a balance beam log, a wire walk thing (two horizontal wires – one about 5 feet above the other – suspended between two trees) where you walk on the bottom wire and hold the top wire for balance, a series of ropes hanging from a wire between two trees where you had to cross from one tree to the other by transferring to each rope (Tarzan style), and, lastly, a platform with a trapeze (which, spoiler alert was too far away to reach even if you really jumped for it).


Staples in the trees between each challenge…and a sense of how high up the course is.

For the whole course you’re belayed (harness and safety ropes) and you traverse the course with your teammates yelling encouragement from the ground. Sounds great, right? What could be scary about that, right? I mean, how could it be scarier than rock climbing or rappelling or white water canoeing, right? Even 50 feet in the air, in the rain with all the surfaces slippery as all get out, right?

Wrong.

See, here’s the thing. I didn’t think I was afraid at all. I just had zero interest in doing the course. What it boils down to is that all of the other challenges – the rock climbing, the caving, the canoeing, hell, even the zip lining, I had heard about before. I was ready for them. I was expecting them. They were “things people did.” Even if it was just to face the challenges of nature, or just to get an adrenaline rush, all of these things were things that made some sort of sense to me. Yes, they were man’s attempt at conquering nature but in a practical way – “I need to get from here to there but there’s a cave, or a river, or a mountain in the way so I’ll crawl through that cave, or canoe down that river, or climb that mountain.” I mean that makes sense to me. But this? This arbitrary man-made construct suspended 50 feet in the air? Uh yeah, that made exactly zero sense at all. Especially in the rain.

So, when it came my turn to do the course, the guide was all, “Jessica, you’re up.” And I remember just thinking, “nope. I’ll pass.” I think I even said, “nope. I’ll pass.” When he insisted, I explained (very rationally, I’m sure) that I just didn’t have any interest in doing the course. He said, “there’s no reason to be afraid,” and I was shocked (SHOCKED, I tell you) that he would even consider it. “I’m not scared,” I said. “I just don’t see the point.” I was, no kidding, 100% certain that I was not afraid at all. I told myself I was indifferent. I told myself it was pointless. I told myself it was an arbitrary man-made construct and there was absolutely no reason I needed to participate in it. I was pretty self-righteous about it too, to be honest.

I told myself that if I was scared, I would feel, you know, scared. So, I resolved not to do the course. In the end, I was, in fact, the last person in my group to do it. And the only reason – the ONLY reason – I even stepped foot on that first log was because my guide (whose name I can’t remember but who I do remember was ridiculously cute in a Teva-wearing, “no outdoor challenge is too much for me” kinda way) asked me to just try the first challenge as a “personal favor” to him. So I did (because I never could resist doing a personal favor for a cute guy) and by the time I was up the log I realized that there were only two ways off the course – either freak right the fuck out and have to be lowered down to the ground like a goat in a sling (sorry, Jurassic Park reference), or just finish the damn course. And, not wanting to be the goat I just finished the damn course.

And here’s what I discovered at the end when I was leaping off the platform to grab the too-far-away trapeze. Number 1: I was absolutely sure that I was going to catch it. Number 2: harnesses hurt your crotch like a son of a bitch when they catch all of your weight. And, Number 3: there are all kinds of fear.

Sometimes you see your fear coming. Sometimes, you grab your fear by the throat and wrestle it to the ground. Sometimes, you outsmart your fear by consciously pretending it’s not there. And sometimes, it really feels like it’s not there. It masks itself as indifference and with that indifference it’s really easy to just ignore it and move on to the next thing. BUT, here’s the danger with that, and, by the way, here’s the point of this entire blog post (way to bury the lede, right?): If you think you’re indifferent to it and you ignore it and move on to the next thing?  Yeah, in the end I’m sure it will be fine. That next thing will be great and you’ll move along a little less brave and none the wiser BUT, you’ll miss it. I will say that again because it’s important – You. Will. Miss. It.

You’ll miss that big, beautiful, juicy, amazing, life-altering, wonderful feeling. Because, even though I didn’t catch that trapeze (and even though that harness hurt!) for that millisecond, when I jumped, I was SURE I was going to catch it. I was absolutely POSITIVE it was in my grasp. I knew it was impossible AND I knew I was going to do it. I believed wholeheartedly in that – in the possibility of the impossible. And even though, in the end, I didn’t actually catch the trapeze (because, big surprise, physics always works) that feeling never went away. From that moment on, that feeling turned out to be a new truth for me: The impossible isn’t just possible it will happen. If you push, and you try, and you believe, and you face your fear – IT. WILL. HAPPEN. And, I would have missed it. I would have missed that lesson, that understanding. And I never would have realized that fear is insidious. Fear can stop you not just cold, but also kinda lukewarm. You need to guard against it and you need to be vigilant because that thing you’re calling indifference? Yeah, most of the time, it’s just fear in indifference’s clothing. Don’t let it stall you. Don’t let it stop you. Don’t let it rule you.

So what does all this have to do with production? I mean this is a blog post on a production company’s website, after all. Well here’s the deal…this job is hard. This industry is hard. We work and we struggle and we face our fears in the hopes of success and wealth, yes, but also because we are compelled to tell stories. We’re compelled to reach people. If we could do anything else in the universe with as much joy as we do this, we absolutely would. Hands down! No one – NO ONE – would choose this if any of us had a choice. I mean there’s no two ways about it. This struggling thing? It sucks. But it’s also who we are. And when something comes up professionally, you think, “Oh, big scary thing. I’m knocking that puppy down.” I think we all do that. But, what I’m saying here is, sadly, that’s not enough. Because sometimes the big scary thing isn’t big and scary at all. Sometimes we look at it and think, “yeah, I’m just not interested in that right now. I’m going to go watch reruns of West Wing instead.” And that’s the danger. We get lulled into that place of, “but I’m tired. I’ve been doing this for years with varying degrees of success, and I just want to binge-watch Netflix right now.” I hear you. Believe me. And you want to watch West Wing for a day, a weekend, hell even a whole week? Go for it, you deserve it. BUT, after that day, that weekend, that whole week, I am telling you – Put on that harness, hook up your safety ropes, do the favor for the cute guy, and just Get. On. The. FUCKING. Course. Here and now, I promise you it will be worth it. I promise you that you will be rewarded for it. In fact, I promise you – I PROMISE YOU – that if you climb up that first log and you get onto that damn course, in the end you will jump for that trapeze with all that you are and you will float down from the trees KNOWING for a fact that the impossible is yours for the taking.

And so, for now, I leave you with two of my favorite motivational memes:

You CAN do the thing…so just go do it.

-Jessica

Jane herself, responds to our Gala invitation…

Dearest Lady Ammirati,

We are delighted to attend! We are just back from London. I was hardly there a minute before I could feel my morals declining. But I had to see about a dedicaton to HRH the Prince Regent.

At any rate, I have been in a great debate about my wardrobe for your ball. The white linen or the off-white? A cap or flowers? I cannot help thinking that it is more natural to have flowers grow out of the head than fruit. What do you think on the subject?

All at once, I keep telling myself, “You must really get some flounces. Are not some of your large stock of white morning gowns just in a happy state for a flounce?” Will any one attending be wearing flounces?

I was intrigued to learn from Mrs. Tickars’s young lady, to my high amusement, that the stays now are not made to force the bosom up at all; that was a very unbecoming, unnatural fashion. I was really glad to hear that they are not to be so much off the shoulders as they were. A little bit of shoulder can be too much when one passes a certain age. As Fanny Burney says, “In the first pride of youth and beauty, our attention is all upon how we are looked at. But when those begin to be somewhat on the wane – when that barbarous time comes into play, which revenges upon poor miserable woman all the airs she has been playing upon silly man – our ambition, then, is how we are listened to.

I continue quite well; in proof whereof I have bathed again this morning. It was absolutely necessary that I should have the little fever and indisposition which I had: it has been all the fashion this week in Brooklyn! I do mean to go to as many balls as possible but yours shall be very special indeed as I know of no other ball celebrating a novel made into a play. How very fashionable this shall be, quite “de rigeur”!

So, Lady, after assuring you of my good health, I remain your most obedient and humble servant,

Miss Jane Austen

 

Happy New Year!!!!

Yes yes yes I know, I’m a few weeks late. But that’s OK – I mean it is in fact still the new year. Come to think of it it will technically be the new year until December 31st 2012 so really, when you look at it that way I’m totally ahead of the game, right? Either way, it’s that time of the year… Time for the wrap-up, the recap, the update, so hear we go…

2011 was quite a year for GTTP!!!

For the first time in GTTP history, thanks to all of your support we were able to have two shows in one year. June brought us Skin Flesh Bone. This original play about language and life had a 12 performance run on the main-stage at The Secret Theatre in Long Island City (our un-official home). The play featured 3 company members, Maria Silverman, David Eiduks and Kiwi Callahan and 2 newbies to GTTP, Laurel Lockhart and Gavin Alexander Hammon. Check out the picture gallery from the show on our past productions page, here.

After a summer spent re-organizing the structure of GTTP we had a successful 2011-12 kick-off party at SideBar in Manhattan. A bunch of you came out to help us kick off the new season and get ready for our December show, Full Disclosure by Ruth McKee. This one woman show (another first for GTTP) about a pregnant realtor desperate to sell her listing, featured Tahitian Kiwi Callahan, and ran for 14 performances at The Poco Space at The Secret Theatre in LIC. Pictures from FULL DISCLOSURE are also on display on our past productions page. Unfortunately I couldn’t get the thumbnails to display (clearly I need a full time tech person to manage the website, right?) so in order to see the photos click on the photo spaces and they should come up for display.

In addition to our performances, in 2011 GTTP started a regular podcast series, Tahiti Dispatches. Through interviews and performances, Tahiti Dispatches provides a glimpse into the behind the scene world of GTTP shows and ultimately NY independent theater beyond our little island. You can hear previous podcasts here, and stay tuned for our January/February podcast, an interview with Dana Boll. A frequent GTTP collaborator, Dana is also a choreographer, dancer, writer and actress – another female theater artist making her way through the crazy world that is NY independent theater.

New people! Thanks to the shows and the podcasts, 2011 brought some new faces onto our little island. In addition to the aforementioned new actors who joined us, Laurel Lockhart and Gavin Alexander Hammon, SKIN FLESH BONE also brought us Sam Gordon, our amazing lighting designer. Sam joined us for SFB and decided to stick around after the show as the newest member of the GTTP Ensemble. The beginning of our 2011-12 season brought us amazing fundraising coordinator, Shanai Jensen and amazing marketing coordinator Saira Jesani. Without Shanai and Saira, GTTP wouldn’t have had nearly as much success with the start of the new season and we’re looking forward to a long partnership with both of the lovely ladies. FULL DISCLOSURE brought us Ruth McKee, an amazing playwright not just of one woman shows. Ruth is an amazing and prolific playwright and we look forward to many future possible collaborations. And, lastly but not leastly, because of the interactive nature of FULL DISCLOSURE we brought in improv guru, Brett Wean, to help us out with a few if the more improvisational moments of the piece. Thanks to Brett’s experience and expertise, we were able to find a way to connect with audience members in ways we otherwise wouldn’t have been able to. We look forward to working with Brett again in the future.

Along with the shows and podcasts and the people, 2011 marked GTTP’s 3rd year in operation, which for the first time opens the door to grant opportunities. So far we’ve applied for two grants and are in the process of four more applications. Keep your fingers crossed and the good vibes flowing for good news in the upcoming months.

So, to sum up, GTTP had an incredible 2011! And that’s in no small part thanks to all of you!!!! So THANK YOU all for your support! We couldn’t do this without you all!!!

So “what’s next,” you say. Well, I’m so glad you asked. Let me tell you what we have in store for 2012…

First up on our docket is GTTP’s first ever co-production (with AND – Artistic New Directions) of Carrie Keskinen’s CAT LADY WITHOUT A CAT. In this hilarious and moving one woman show, Carrie Keskinen explores what it means to be mistaken for the stereotypical “Cat Lady” without owning a single cat. (I know what you’re thinking, “but Jess, spoiler alert, now we know she doesn’t have a cat.” Trust me there’s more to see and enjoy than just the reveal that she doesn’t actually have a cat.) Currently in rehearsal, CAT LADY WITHOUT A CAT will have a 1-3 performance run (most likely at The Secret Theatre – didn’t you see the mention above about it being our un-official home?) in March. More details to come once they are settled so please keep checking back. Additionally, our March podcast will feature an interview with Carrie Keskinen talking not just about creating and performing this show but also what it’s like to be a working actress in the big apple.

Following CAT LADY… this spring we will be hosting our first ever Gala Event in support of our summer production (and our last production of the 2011-12 season), PERSUASION. An adaptation of the Jane Austen novel of the same name, PERSUASION, which has been adapted by Tahitian Laura Bultman, will go up in early summer.

Stay tuned on our website, blog and facebook for announcements about the exciting year we have ahead of us.

Thank you again for all your support in 2011!! We couldn’t do this without all of you and we look forward to seeing you in 2012!!!

One Week Down…7 Performances to go…

I can’t believe we’ve already done a week of performances of FULL DISCLOSURE! Kiwi Callahan has been absolutely KILLING it as Sunny Smith. There are still 7 more chances to see this interactive one woman show. Join us for an open house – THERE WILL BE COOKIES!!!!

Performances run tomorrow, (Tuesday) through Friday at 8pm, Saturday at 2pm & 7pm and Sunday at 2pm.

For details and tickets go to the Full Disclosure page above!

See you at the show!

The Party’s Over…for now…

So, as many of you already know, SKIN FLESH BONE has closed…

We had a wonderful run at the Secret Theatre and look forward to whatever new and exciting projects the future holds for GTTP.

There’s a lot of stuff brewing at Tahiti headquarters so keep checking back here or sign up for the RSS feed to get notified of new posts and new announcements from Going to Tahiti.

Day Two if Tech

So the wall is up, one coat of paint is on and the island is built. A huge thank you to EVERYONE who showed up early and stayed late. Off to day two, where we will hopefully get through two run throughs.

THE TRAILER IS LIVE!!!!

So, we did a little video preview for SKIN FLESH BONE. Check it out here:

http://rockethub.com/projects/1589-skin-flesh-bone

And, while you’re there feel free to become a fueler!

ONLY 9 DAYS LEFT for us to hit our goal and for you to get in on the behind the scenes SKIN FLESH BONE action!!!

Load In…

We’re loading DREAMERS in to the Roy Arias Studios and Theatres even as we speak! There was a moment of panic this morning when we initially couldn’t get into the theater but we’re in now. Set construction is almost done. Sound cues are loaded, projections are getting worked out now. To get tickets for DREAMERS OF THE DAY, click here or go to www.goingtotahitiproductions.com.

Dreamers of the Day Has Opened!!!!

Dreamers of the Day has officially opened for a limited run at Roy Arias Studios and Theatres at the Times Square Arts Center, 300 West 43rd Street, NYC.

Only 11 performances left!!!

Get tickets now at www.goingtotahitiproductions.com or call 866-811-4111.

End of Week Two . . .

Almost two weeks of rehearsal under our belts and the show is shaping up nicely. I don’t really have much else to say except that I love my cast. They are gelling nicely with each other and the ensemble is just a fun talented group to be a part of. We have our first movement rehearsal on Sunday…Dana will be teaching the cast to ride camels. It should be great fun. The only thing I’m worried about is getting the camels into the rehearsal studio. :)

We Have A Cast!!!

So the show has been cast and we have officially begun rehearsals!!!!

The full cast assembled today for the first time and we had our first Read Through. It went very well…though we didn’t actually get through the whole script – clearly someone is going to need to cut another 20 pages…BUT, the reading went great!!! It was so exciting to hear Mary’s beautiful words coming out of the mouths of actors instead of out of my mouth talking to my reflection in a mirror and trying to figure out if this show is going to work. Having heard actual actors, and really talented ones at that, actually start to play around with the characters and bring something of themselves to the show…it was thrilling…it was, it is- what I live for and, I can tell you now, this show is going to work…and this was only the first day!!! I can’t wait to see what happens when we really start to play with the script, with movement, with tech and design elements. I’m hoping to post some cast info – headshots and bios on the website soon. Keep an eye out for updates. AND, I promise, I will try to update the blog regularly throughout this rehearsal process, but for now, I’m hitting the hay.

Only ONE DAY LEFT for Kickstarter donations!!

ONLY ONE DAY LEFT to be a part of the DREAMERS OF THE DAY on STAGE Kickstarter Campaign!! Thank you for helping us reach our goal, now help us blow past it like a semi truck passing a family station wagon on I-95 at 3am!!!

You can still be a part of the action, and as my 7 year old nephew says, “This is SO much ACTION!”

Click here for details and to donate:
Kickstarter: Dreamers of the Day on Stage

We’ve got a theater, we’ve got a crew, now let’s get a cast, shall we?

Things are heating up…
The Showcase Application has been submitted to Equity and is pending approval.

The Theater has been booked!

DREAMERS OF THE DAY will open on September 16th at the Roy Arias Theatre Center at the Times Square Arts Center at 300 West 43rd Street. The show will run for 3 weeks until October 2nd. Details and ticket information will be posted as soon as it is available.
We’re almost crewed up!
We’ve got ourselves a set designer, a stage manager, a sound designer, a choreographer and a projections designer. We’re still waiting on word about a lighting designer, but, seeing as we’re still 6 weeks out from opening night, I feel like we’re in pretty good shape.
And now, we just need a cast!
Auditions will be held Monday and Tuesday. Depending on how the initial auditions go, we’ll probably do call-backs next weekend. Currently we’re on track for an August 15th rehearsal start date!