So, it’s time I talked about that green eyed monster…and no I’m not talking about this guy  from Monsters Inc…although, come to think of it, he was a green monster and he had an eye but the eye was aquamarine so technically he’s not a green eyed monster so much as he’s a green, aquamarine-eyed, monster…but I digress. No, the Green Eyed Monster I was talking about, of course, is jealousy. I have to say, although I can get pretty jealous in my personal life (I mean I am a Scorpio after all) most of my jealousy is confined to the professional world. And, I gotta tell you, it’s a bitch. I mean it. Don’t get me wrong, I have no issue being jealous of people I don’t know personally who have ridiculous success who doesn’t deserve it (insert any Kardashian name here). Although honestly that’s less jealousy than disdain. And I don’t mind getting on my high horse about people who have ridiculous success AND talent – dude I get jealous and snippy and generally rant-y about Lena Dunham like you wouldn’t beLIEVE (then again, I have yet to see Girls (what? I can’t afford cable let alone HBO) and am basing my entire opinion about her on the movie Tiny Furniture (which I hated) and an interview she gave in EW magazine), but I respect that she’s talented and self confident and completely without body issues so I’m good with her there. I just absolutely get jealous that someone so young and talented is getting heaps of acclaim and money and opportunity and pretty much everything I’ve been struggling for for like 20 years and seems not only not phased by it but in fact as if she was entitled to it all along. Of course, maybe that’s my problem – I’ve seen it more like something I would love to have but not something I was “entitled to” per se. Maybe I should just wander around completely self entitled. I’m sure that would make me a sought after party guest.

ANYWAY, I digress again because I’m not even talking about the people I don’t know who are wildly successful. Who gives a crap about them. I’m talking about that jealousy that rears its ugly head instinctively even when it’s the successes of people I love. You see, I have people in my life – loved ones, friends, acquaintances, who I genuinely care about and yet, when I hear about one of their successes (especially in the entertainment world) my immediate instinctive thought is not, “OMG that is soooo great for her/him” nope it’s “ugh, why can’t stuff work out that well for me?” And not ONLY do I initially think that, I think it in the most whiny, irritating voice in my head that it is possible to create. Forget about the fact that my very next thought is always, “OMG that is soooo great for her/him”. Forget that my heart swells with pride as if I had something to do with her or his accomplishments. Forget that I have been known to turn actual cartwheels of excitement in honor of someone else’s accomplishment. I just can’t seem to get rid of that green eyed monster.

And so, as I witness this behavior, I’ve been wondering a lot lately whether it is the nature of the artist. We spend so much of our time seeking approval. And though we may play a good game – honestly in most aspects of my life I could give a crap what people think of me – when it comes down to my art, I want to be loved. I want to be applauded, I want to blow people away. I wonder, is the jealousy ingrained in us creative types? It is a pretty competitive business and I’m not a compteitive person. I just want to do my thing and make a living at it. So maybe, the fact that it is so competitve makes me subconciously see other people’s successes as taking something away from me. But, the thing is, I don’t believe that’s true. I honestly believe there’s room for all. We make our own fate. I believe it, I know it. So why, oh why, do I consistently react with jealousy even if it is just in my own head? Because I really hate it. I mean really really hate it. I want to just be that zen person who never has a bad thought about others but who just honestly generously reacts to the success of others. Maybe I just need to keep making more of my own success so that I can kick back and rest on my laurels and not even notice the laurels of others. Or maybe I should just start ignoring all of the people I love – no, I don’t like that option at all.

So, instead  I’m trying to change it. See, I’m too smart to think that I can change my immediate emotional reaction to something just by saying “don’t feel that, Jessica.” That’s like saying, “gentle reader, don’t think of an elephant.” What happened? That’s right, you totally thought of an elephant. No, I’m not going to change it like that. Instead, I’m trying to accept that those feelings are a part of me. As much as I don’t like it, it’s true. Pissy, jealous, petty, snippy, instinctive emotions are as much a part of me as they are a part of anyone else and to pretend they’re not there only makes them fester and grow. So, I won’t ignore them and I won’t pretend I don’t feel them. I will just acknowledge them as my crap and no one else’s. In the end they’re completely one sided they come from me and only me and actually have nothing at all to do with the friend or loved one who has accomplished so much. I’m sure at their core those emotions are driven by fear so, after looking at those feelings, acknowledging them as my own, I then have to release them with love. Because they’re a part of me, they’re mine, and if I don’t want them, only I can get rid of them. “Goodbye jealous feelings. You ain’t wanted here no more.” I don’t know that it will make a difference but I sure am gonna try…and if that doesn’t work, I just need to find a way to genuinely collaborate with each and every talented person I know.

For those of you not aware, that “collaboration with with each and every talented person I know” is going strong as ensemble member Dana Boll and I co-produce Dana’s play with dance: Bella’s Dream which will run through June with Yours Truly directing. Details and tickets will be available soon.